HELP! I AM A SEX ADDICT - 8 (How to break free from sexual immorality)

“For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age,” Titus 2:11-12 (New International Version)

Where sin is powerful, grace is even more powerful. Though we live in a world that is full of opportunities to commit sexual sin, though you may be under an urge to commit sexual sin, you must know that there is a GRACE in God which you have received (for those who believe in Jesus Christ) that gives you power to say no to sexual sin and gives you the ability to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this evil world. Do you believe this?

This is the grace that set me free. The grace does not remove me from being tempted, but I have the power to say no and walk away unlike before that I would give in to what the flesh says. Friends, I have been confronted with those situations that made me fall in time past after my freedom over and over again and the grace of God has taught and empowered me to say NO. I can tell you I have been delivered by the power of God not because I prayed or was determined, but by the finished work of Christ on the cross.

This may look simple but that is the truth that set me free. You must know that if you fall into sin it is not because you don’t have power to say no but you choose to do it. It is a deception to believe that you don’t have what it takes to say NO because you do. The devil and your flesh will sell this lie to you but do not cave in. What you couldn’t choose before because you were weak because of sinful nature, you can now choose because that nature has been dealt with.

When sexual sin comes knocking, you simply tell it, the man that used to patronize you is no longer here, he died and was buried more than 2000 years ago.

I read a story of a man in a book titled ‘A Heart Ablaze’ by John Bevere. It was of a pastor who after he was saved, gave up many former sins that bound him but he couldn’t shake off his habit of smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. The man said he prayed, fasted, confessed the word and asked others for prayers. After two years of struggling, he took his unsaved friend to an evangelist’s meeting at his church. That night the friend gave his life to Christ and was instantly delivered from cigarette addiction. Though he was happy for his friend, he was angry with God that after he had prayed, fasted and done all kinds of things to be delivered from habit of smoking, God had not delivered him. While he was crying out to God, ‘God ….why haven’t You delivered me? he said God told him ‘Because you still like them’. The man said he looked at the cigarette that was in his hand and he put it out and he never touched one again. John Bevere now wrote something profound: ‘over the two years span the pastor told himself and others how he wanted to be free, yet it was not his true desire, only his intention.

Having good intentions is not enough. Our intention of be freed must match with our desire. The grace that brings salvation (and deliverance) from sexual sin has been revealed, it empowers us to say NO. You can rise and say no today and you will be free because now you have what it takes to be free. Remember God will not demand sexual purity from you when He knows you don’t have the power to be delivered.

Be Warned

“There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.”Romans 8:1-2 (New King James Version)

“That the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.” Romans 8:4 (New King James Version)

You cannot afford to live a careless life because you are now a new creature. The condition of this freedom is for you to keep living for Christ- who is now your life. Remember you don’t have a life anymore. You lost that life the day you embraced Jesus Christ. The life you are living now, is not yours but Christ’s. That is why you can’t live out your will or do anything you like. You cannot afford to walk in the flesh because once you do you are exposing your life to the assault of the devil. 

I urge you today to walk in the liberty with which Christ has made you free and don’t become entangled again to the yoke of bondage of false teaching. May the Lord give you peace and understanding in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Before I draw the curtain on this write up let us consider Biblical practical tips on breaking free from sexual sin.

HELP! I AM A SEX ADDICT - 7 (How to break free from sexual immorality)

What This Means To Us

“For the love of Christ compels us, because we judge thus: that if One died for all, then all died;” 2 Corinthians 5:14 (New King James Version)

“The love of Christ controls us, because we know that One died for all, so all have died.” (New Century Version)

Note the phrase ‘we judge thus’ and ‘we know’. This understanding must dawn on us because this is the truth that sets free from any addiction or sin.

Who is this man that died for all? Answering this will not really be a problem because majority of us know it was Jesus Christ of Nazareth. But the issue is Christ was not the only One that died on that day. We all died too. His death was also our death. Hallelujah!!! Paul says this must become a knowing to us. That the day Christ died, something in me died with Him.

“I was put to death on the cross with Christ, and I do not live anymore — it is Christ who lives in me. I still live in my body, but I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself to save me.” Galatians 2:20 (New Century Version)

This is why Paul made this statement- I was put to death on the cross with Christ and I do not live anymore. It was not only Paul, I, Femi was also put to death on the cross with Christ and this also applies to you too. I don’t have a life anymore, Christ lives in me.

What Was It That Was Put To Death With Christ

“We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin.” Romans 6:6 (New Living Translation)

“And those who are Christ's have put to death on the cross the flesh with its passions and its evil desires.” Galatians 5:24(Bible in Basic English)

The nature of sin has been dealt with so sin can’t control us any longer. I love the way The Message put Romans 6:2-3

“I should hope not! If we've left the country where sin is sovereign, how can we still live in our old house there? Or didn't you realize we packed up and left there for good? That is what happened in baptism. When we went under the water, we left the old country of sin behind; when we came up out of the water, we entered into the new country of grace — a new life in a new land!”

I used to stay in Lagos few years back, I was living in NO 92 Ibadan Street Ebute-Metta, Lagos state, Nigeria but I live presently in Rumuodomaya area of Port Harcourt, Rivers state. Is it possible for me to live in my old house in Lagos while staying in Port Harcourt? Certainly no.

Flesh is the man responsible for us sinning even when we don’t want to. As long as flesh is alive we are under the yoke of sin, we are at the beck and call of sin even when we don’t want.  But what Jesus did on the cross was to go for the jugular of Mr. Flesh. As long as the Man has been dealt with, its product has lost its grip on us.

“Now the works of the FLESH are clearly revealed, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lustfulness… and things like these; of which I tell you before, as I also said before, that they who do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.” Galatians 5:19 -21 (Modern King James Version)

Adultery, fornication, lust, sexual sins are all works of the flesh, you cannot deal successful with sexual sin without eradicating the flesh. Remember to clear the cobweb you must kill the spider!!! This is what Jesus did on the cross, He dealt with flesh once and for all and all you need to do is to know this truth and walk in it. Flesh is no longer being dealt with, it has been killed on the cross.

“We know that sin doesn't have power over dead people.” Romans 6:7CEV

The death of the sin nature in us is the end of the control that sin has over us. It is now left for us not to allow sin to exercise control over us because the truth is it does not have what it takes any longer. That is why most of the Scriptures that talk about our dominance over the control of sin start with ‘knowing that…’ Read Roman 6. The reason is that these things are not commandments we must obey but information to renew our mind. This is the reason why God demands sexual purity because we have what it takes.

HELP! I AM A SEX ADDICT - 6 (How to break free from sexual immorality)

Kill the Spider

If you notice a cobweb in your room and you clear the cobweb, have you successfully cleared your room from cobwebs? I think the answer is NO. Something is responsible for the cobweb and as long as that thing is still alive it is just a matter of time, the cobweb will be back. So to deal with the cobweb, it is to kill the spider because cobweb is the byproduct of the spider.

This illustration may not be perfect but it gives us an idea that what you have been doing all this while is clearing the cobweb and that is why it has not been working but you must have to kill the spider.

Jesus Killed the Spider on The Cross

This is exactly what Jesus did on the cross, He killed the spider (nature of sin) that man inherited from Adam.

As a result of the sin of Adam we inherited the nature of sin called flesh which made us to become the enemy of God. Man came under the slavery of sin because of his nature. Even if he desires to please God, he can’t because he does not have what it takes to do so. Man will resolve not to sin against God but after some time he will go back sinning because he is under an influence (sin nature). And as long as man is under that influence he cannot please God.

Sin is a Law

“There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death.” Romans 8:1-2 (New Kings James Version)

You will notice from this passage of Scripture that sin is a law. A law is a force that exerts control and constrains people to act the way they do. Sin is a force that exerts control and constrains people to act against God’s will even if they don’t want to. The condition in which the law of sin and death operates is the flesh. As long as the sin-nature (flesh) is there, sin will surely reign in us. Just like in the natural, there is a law of gravity that is in operation. As long as we are on Earth, anything that goes up must surely come down. An airplane is able to stay up for hours without being pulled down by the law of gravity, because a higher law was introduced which is the law of flight or law of aerodynamics. In the same way, for the law of sin to be dealt with, God simply introduced a higher law called the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus.

“The law was without power, because the law was made weak by our sinful selves. But God did what the law could not do. He sent his own Son to earth with the same human life that others use for sin. By sending his Son to be an offering for sin, God used a human life to destroy sin.” Romans 8:3 (New Century Version)

God’s Target in Dealing with Sin

“We aren't saved from sin's grasp by knowing the commandments of God because we can't and don't keep them, but God put into effect a different plan to save us. He sent his own Son in a human body like ours-except that ours are sinful-and destroyed sin's control over us by giving himself as a sacrifice for our sins.” Romans 8:3 (The Living Bible)

God did not send His Son Jesus Christ to the world so that we can be forgiven of our sins alone. Forgiveness is necessary but Jesus came for something more than that. My problem was not whether God will forgive me or not but it was frustrating to continue in a cycle of sin.

God sent Jesus to destroy the nature of sin. He came to destroy sin’s control or the Adamic nature (flesh). Jesus destroyed sin’s control by giving Himself as a sacrifice for our sins. This sin nature was abolished on the cross (Ephesians 2:12-16, Colossians 1:20-22).

“He used his servant body to carry our sins to the Cross so we could be rid of sin, free to live the right way. His wounds became your healing.” 1Peter 2:24(The Message)

To be continued…

HELP! I AM A SEX ADDICT - 5 (How to break free from sexual immorality)

3.   Positive confession and having determination.

This is another common thing people try to do when tackling sexual addiction. This may work for sometime but not for too long. Do you know why? The arm of flesh will fail. Once your confidence is in the flesh or yourself, it will not last (Philippians 3:3). That is why people make New Year resolutions and few days into the year they have broken the resolution.

The Truth That Sets Free

I know the question in your heart is, if these are not the solutions what then is the way out? What I am about to share with you is what set me free, and I know it will set you free. Jesus said ‘And you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free’ John 8:32. What Jesus is simply saying here is that, truth has the capacity to make someone free. You need to understand that as simple as the gospel is, it has enough power to set people free from the bondage of sin.

Salvation is a compound word which means deliverance, preservation, and safety. Paul the apostle said that gospel is the power of God unto salvation Romans 1:16. Which means the gospel has the power to bring deliverance even the book of Proverbs says “…but through knowledge shall the just be delivered” (Proverb 11:9). This means there is a deliverance that comes not by someone’s prayer but by being exposed to the TRUE GOSPEL.

Every child of God can defeat the world, and our faith is what gives us this victory. No one can defeat the world without having faith in Jesus as the Son of God. I John 5:4-5

What are the things in the world that we can defeat if we have faith in Jesus Christ?

“Do not love the world, nor the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him, because all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.”1Jn 2:15 -16

The question is, do you believe in Jesus Christ? Do you believe in His word? Or you believe in your experience more than what the Bible says? The Bibles says we can defeat lust or any addiction and what does the job is our faith; which is believe in Jesus and acting on His word.

The Cross Of Jesus

Your deliverance from sexual sin starts from you taking God by His word. You must not believe in your past or experience neither must you believe in your feelings. The enemy is aware of the fact that though the gospel is simple, it is still powerful that is why he tries to make us compromise the gospel or to remove the power in the cross by replacing it with something else. Once the power of the gospel has been removed, it cannot produce God’s desired result. It is sadder to note that the people the devil uses to do damage to the gospel of Christ are the preachers.

“Christ did not send me to baptize people but to preach the Good News. And he sent me to preach the Good News without using words of human wisdom so that the cross of Christ would not lose its power” 1 Corinthians 1:17 (New Century Version)

Paul the apostle laid it bare that when the gospel is preached with human wisdom, it will be robbed of its power.

“For the message about Christ's death on the cross is nonsense to those who are being lost; but for us who are being saved it is God's power. As for us, we proclaim the crucified Christ, a message that is offensive to the Jews and nonsense to the Gentiles; but for those whom God has called, both Jews and Gentiles, this message is Christ, who is the power of God and the wisdom of God.”1 Corinthians 1:18, 23-24 (Good News Bible)

The power of the gospel is the preaching of the cross. This is the gospel that the enemy does not want the church to preach today, because this is what brings transformation of lives. The solution to the world problem is inside the gospel; Jesus is the answer for the struggle of the world today. There is no solution to being free from sexual addiction or any addiction except in Christ Jesus.

To be continued…

HELP! I AM A SEX ADDICT - 4 (How to break free from sexual immorality) By Femi Bakare

3. We have what its takes to be free. 

Can one really be free from sexual sin? Can someone that has been addicted to sexual sin really be free? I remember asking myself this question during those periods of my struggle. At a point, I thought, “maybe it is only marriage that will stop it”. I found it difficult sleeping with a female on the same bed without me touching them though they were not often even aware that I was doing that. This was because I would pretend as if I had been taken over by sleep, and I didn’t know what I was doing. I devised all kinds of method of doing it without being caught.  

Friends, regardless of how bad your life has been, you can be free. To those who are Christians but yoked to sexual sin, I have good news for you. You can be free. God will not demand sexual purity from us, if He has not given us what it takes to be free. Whatever He demands it is because He has given us. 

Let me make a detour here briefly to talk on the methods  people use at times to get free, which most times, are not really the way out.

Wrong Ways Of Being Free

1. When I am married it will stop.

Many of us think that marriage is an escape route for those who are struggling with sexual sin but most times this is not so. A man that cannot control his sexual urge without giving in will not be able to, when he is married. I know Paul the apostle wrote that people should marry to avoid fornication (1 Corinthians 7:1-2) but this doesn’t always work out. I have seen and heard of marriages that are having problems because of sexual sin. You will wonder how a man will have a beautiful wife but will still engage in sexual sin with another woman that is not even as beautiful as the woman he married. The issue is such people have problems with controlling their sexual urge. You will wonder why David had wives and he still had sex with Bathsheba, another man’s wife; a wife of one of his soldiers. It is not about getting married to stop sexual urge, it is a fact that such a man/woman has problem with lust. 

That is why you must know how to deal with it just before you get married because though you are permitted to have sex with your spouse, but this will not happen 24hours a day and 7 times a week.  Friends, God did not institute marriage as a tool to overcome sexual urge. 

2. I need to pray, fast more and go for deliverance.

As good as prayer and fasting is, it is not really the solution for sexual addiction. Prayer has its place but this is not the foundation. This was one of my errors in those days of my struggle. I prayed and fasted so that I could be free. As a matter of fact; there was a day, I went for a three days retreat so that God could have mercy on me and so that I could be free from sexual sin, you will not believe the day I ended the retreat, I committed sexual sin with a sister. My life was going about in a cycle; I was falling and rising. I could identify with the experience that Paul the apostle was describing in Romans 7 

“In fact, I don't understand why I act the way I do. I don't do what I know is right. I do the things I hate…I know that my selfish desires won't let me do anything that is good. Even when I want to do right, I cannot. Instead of doing what I know is right, I do wrong… But in every part of me I discover something fighting against my mind, and it makes me a prisoner of sin that controls everything I do. What a miserable person I am. Who will rescue me from this body that is doomed to die? Romans 7:15 -24 (CEV)

Friends, life was frustrating, I can’t remember how many times I asked God to forgive me. I knew I needed help but I was afraid to tell anyone because I didn’t know how the person would feel; a whole Brother Femi Bakare!!! Funny enough I was loved by people around me and my face looked so innocent as if I knew nothing. But I was really dying inside; funny thing about this thing is that during those periods my gifts were still blessing people around and I was really being celebrated. 

I remember a brother was sharing his own experience with me that his struggle was masturbation. He said he had a three-day fasting without water and food for these days but to his greatest surprise he ended the fast with masturbation. I did go for deliverance, thinking maybe I was possessed with a demon of lust, so that the spirit could be cast out of me but friends, after the deliverance this thing still happened. 

Is it that prayer doesn’t work? Yes, it does. I remember what my Pastor said; that God will not give you by miracle what He has given by principles. Could that be the reason why you’ve been praying all this while and it seems like nothing is happening because there is a missing link somewhere? Friends, if it is prayer, I prayed and I made vows. I even put a curse on myself; this is why I know that God has really been faithful and gracious to me, because if God answered some of our prayers, some of us will not be alive today. 

To be continued… 

HELP! I AM A SEX ADDICT - 3 (How to break free from sexual immorality) By Femi Bakare

What is Sexual Purity? To be sexually pure is to receive sexual pleasure and satisfaction only from your spouse, and to give sexual pleasure and satisfaction only to your spouse. For singles this means abstaining entirely from sexual pleasure & satisfaction as long as God keeps you single, and pursuing the greatest kind of pleasure and satisfaction — that of knowing God. To be sexually pure also means to be pure in your heart or mind. Even if you don’t engage in the act once you engage your mind in sexual activities you have committed the act.

"You know the next commandment pretty well, too: 'Don't go to bed with another's spouse.' But don't think you've preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those leering looks you think nobody notices--they also corrupt.” Matthew 5:27-28 (Message Bible)

OTHER SEXUAL SINS

1. Homosexuality - A sexual attraction to (or sexual relations with) persons of the same sex. This is divided into two Sodomy- sexual attractions between man and man that is committed by via the anus and Lesbianism – Sexual attraction by a woman to another woman. Lev 20:13; Gen 19:5; Rom. 1:26-27; 1Cor. 6:9; 1Tim. 1:10.

2. Bestiality – Sexual relation between a person (male or female) and an animal. Lev 18:23, Lev 18:25, Lev 20:15-16; Deu. 27:21

3. Incest – Sexual activity between two people who are very closely related in a family. For example a blood brother and sister, a father and child. Lev.18:6-18; Lev. 20:11-12; Lev. 20:17; Lev_20:19-21; Deu. 22:30; Deu. 27:20; 1Co_5:1

4. Masturbation - Manual stimulation of one’s own genital organs for sexual pleasure. 1 Cor. 6:18-20, Job 31:1, 2 Tim. 2:22, Matt. 5:28

Why Must We Keep Ourselves Pure Sexually

1. God expects us to do so: 

 God wants you to be holy, so don't be immoral in matters of sex. Respect and honor your wife. Don't be a slave of your desires or live like people who don't know God. You must not cheat any of the Lord's followers in matters of sex. Remember, we warned you that he punishes everyone who does such things. God didn't choose you to be filthy, but to be pure. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-7 (Contemporary English Version)

“Since you are God's people, it is not right that any matters of sexual immorality or indecency or greed should even be mentioned among you.” Ephesians 5:3 (Good News Bible)

“Someone else will say, "Food is for the stomach, and the stomach is for food." Yes; but God will put an end to both. The body is not to be used for sexual immorality, but to serve the Lord; and the Lord provides for the body.” 1 Corinthians 6:13 (Good News Bible)

2. The consequences are grievous: Samson, Joseph, Mary, Esther etc. Samson lost his eyes, and his life was cut short because he couldn’t resist the temptation of sexual sin. Think for a moment if Joseph and Mary the ‘parents’ of Jesus Christ had committed fornication they would have disqualified themselves of the chance of being the channel by which Jesus Christ will be born. Esther would not have made it because the criterion for being invited to the contest in the first place was that the ladies must be virgins. There are some privileges that we cut ourselves from if we engage in sexual sins. 

“He who takes another man's wife is without all sense: he who does it is the cause of destruction to his soul. Wounds will be his and loss of honour, and his shame may not be washed away.” Proverb 6:32-33 (Bible In Basic English)

“I saw among the young men one without sense, walking in the street near the turn of her road, going on the way to her house, At nightfall, in the evening of the day, in the black dark of the night. And the woman came out to him, in the dress of a loose woman, with a designing heart; So now, my sons, give ear to me; give attention to the sayings of my mouth; Let not your heart be turned to her ways, do not go wandering in her footsteps. For those wounded and made low by her are great in number; and all those who have come to their death through her are a great army. Her house is the way to the underworld, going down to the rooms of death.” Proverb 7:7-27 (Bible in Basic English)

To be continued…

HELP! I AM A SEX ADDICT - 2 (How to break free from sexual immorality) By Femi Bakare

ORIGIN AND THE PURPOSE OF SEX 

Sex is created by God, so it is not evil but good (James 1:17). It just like saying money is evil or saying politics is dirty. These things are not evil on their own but when handled by people who are evil then they will use them for negative purposes. God created man and woman as sexual beings with the capacity for sexual pleasure and with unique sex drives. Man’s sex drive is greatly stimulated by sight. Samson’s life demonstrates this: Judges 14:1-3, 16:1, Job 31:1, while a woman’s own is mostly driven by words; I mean sweet words. I guess this is one of the reasons the serpent did not engage the man in discussion but the woman and also because women are emotional. God’s design is that man and woman would exercise their sexuality and experience sexual pleasure in one and only context—the marriage relationship. Sex consummates the marriage, and brings oneness between the husband and the wife (Genesis 2:24; Proverb 5:15-20; 1 Corinthian 7:3-5). 

Sex is created for pleasure and procreation but in the context of marriage (between a man and a woman), Genesis 1:26-31. 

“Let blessing be on your fountain; have joy in the wife of your early years. As a loving hind and a gentle doe, let her breasts ever give you rapture; let your passion at all times be moved by her love. Why let yourself, my son, go out of the way with a strange woman, and take another woman in your arms?” Proverb 5:18-20

Since God created sex, it is not bad or evil to have a sexual urge or to have a sexual drive. Especially for those who are still singles, what you do with it is what matters most. Even for those that are married, it is not every time that you have sexual urges that your partner is available to satisfy you. The Bible says there is a time for everything; when things are not done in their time it will not be beautiful. What is supposed to give you pleasure will bring sorrow and regrets when done at the wrong time. The pleasure of sin is for a moment and you cannot compare the pleasure with the sorrow that follows after. Don’t let your sexual urge control you. 

UNDERSTANDING SEXUAL PURITY

We live in a time that is highly toxic with sexual sin. The society today promotes sex; we are faced with things that encourage lust for sex; in malls, stores, super markets, the way women dress, on TV commercials, in movies and on the internet. Even on the street, it is alarming that what used to be a sense of pride in those days among ladies is now what they expose in the name of fashion. Our ladies are no longer ashamed; not only ladies, even men. What will call private parts are no more kept private but now made open for public viewing.

Gone are those days when people walk a few miles and spend some money to buy porn magazines or films. Someone can be in the office watching porn films or pictures without people around him knowing. A man can be in his bedroom with his wife sleeping by his side and he is engrossed with pornographic pictures. That is the power of technology. The solution is not to discourage people from the internet but to trust God to help us to see how we can help people. In spite of all these challenges God still expects us to be holy and be pure sexually.

Nevertheless the foundation of God stands sure, having this seal: "The Lord knew those who are His." And, "Let everyone who names the name of Christ depart from iniquity!" 2Ti 2:19MKJV

No temptation has taken you but what is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted above what you are able, but with the temptation also will make a way to escape, so that you may be able to bear it. 1Co 10:13